Harry Potter and the Chamber of DooRags Chapter 1
by GaNgStAcHiK
Summary: Harry Pottiness! This is just a total Pisstake of anything and everything from Harry Potter and all related things to Lil' Romeo! Hope u like it and don't blame me for the total randomness!
1. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags

Disclaimer: The following things are NOT mine:

Harry Potter or any related items, Lil' Romeo(he will 1 day), Eastenders and basically anything u recognise, the following things are mine: the word BUSHELHEAD (do not steal lol) and the obsession with Oxfam.

By Helen and Marie-Claire Grima

Chapter 1. The Random Wizard.

Harry Potter was being a random wizard and the Dursley's were being like so totally British! Harry Potter was sitting in his room and he was very pissed off because Harry's big fat retarded cousin, Dudley, was having his girlfriend over to dinner, his bigger fatter retardeder uncle would not let Harry's pigeon, deadpig, out hunting. Then Dobby the bungalow elf comes to sumo wrestle Harry so he doesn't go back to Hogwarts, Harry won because he used avada cadavra on dobby.

but even though he was just turned into a blob of cheese dobby did not give up so Harry raced downstairs then Harry goes to Dudley "hey fatty bum bum want another cream cake?" and dobby chucks a big cream cake as Dudley's arse.

Dudley cried because was being teased by Harry who wanted to make him join fat nation...

so Vernon the retard locks Harry in the bog and Ron comes along in his really really heavy yellow smart car and Harry runs downstairs, punches Vernon screaming "yellow car" then legs it into the car with his gold plated trunk and deadpig and He, Ron and Fred and George fly to the Weasley's excuse for a house called the butter (Harry though it looked more like a battered weetabix box).

Please R&R and hope u like the pure randomness, more coming soon! Oh and by the way, the reason the Weasley's house is called "The Butter" is because Burro is butter in Italian. ;) (Marie Claire)


	2. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Chapter 2, the tramped up cardboard box.

"Where HAVE you been? Beds empty, no note CAR GONE! You could have died! You could have been seen!" The ginger lady shouts at Ronald.

Then they eat breakfast and Ginny comes down and faints at the sight of Harry then when she regains conciseness she throws herself at him but accidentally land on the cat and chucks up all over her freshly washed jumper (Harry didn't realize Ron could afford water). Then the owl arrives and bashes into the window and its brain splats everywhere.

"Fetch it for me will you Percy?" and this fuzzle head gets up and holds up 6 letters from Hogwarts. So they go to Diagon alley using floo powder. You chuck it down the toilet to get to the destination. But because Harry is dumb and allergic to powder he sneezes and he emerges covered in bog water at Cho Chang's bathroom Harry realized his glasses where gone but he didn't care because of the massive big head he had where he was so much better than Ron that he could buy a new pair with the gazillions of Knuts he had unlike Ron who was tempted to kiss pansy Parkinson for 1 sickle, so they go Diagon alley together and Harry's glasses end up coming out of the butterbeer barrel (because they fell of then went into the sewers)then they go to flourish and blotts and Gilderoy Lockhart practically worships Harry and begs to sign his handkerchief, then because his head is even bigger than Harry's he starts telling Harry he should use more moisturiser because his T-Zone is v dry. Draco Malfoy is so rich that he comes down the stairs and has to rip the page out of a book for no reason. Then he and Harry have a fight

"You know I'd have you on the ground in seconds," Draco growled out in what he thought was a menacing voice.

"Always knew you were a nasty pervert," Ron said before nodding his head at Harry.

Harry is so vicious to poor Draco that his eyeballs "fall" out and Mr Borgin puts Malfoy's remaining eyeballs in a glass case and sells them in his dodgy shop. Harry notices that Lucius puts a fluffy pink forever friends diary in Ginny's Gucci handbag that she jacked from the back of a truck but doesn't bother to tell anyone because then there would be no story and because he wanted to save the day again so his head could grow just a little bit bigger and to prove that Ginny Weasley adored him and kisses his broomstick. Malfoy calls Ginny Weasley a ginger scavenger and Fred Weasley calls malfoy a fairy princess with long blond hair and Ron grabs a scissors and cuts all lucius' hair off.

Heya hope u liked it plz r and r more soon. Not 2 random I hope :S


	3. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: We don't own Dr Pepper or Head and Shoulders. What we do own is the snape hotline for really desperate people ;) Oh and the evil blue squirrels under everyone's beds!

Chapter 3. The magical yellow car and bashing people up.

Then they all pile into the yellow smart car and Percy is being attacked bye all the weasleys cos no one likes him cos hes a retarded neek. Then they go 2 platform 9 3/4 and percy is bein a idiot as usuall then Harry and Ron bang into the wall and can't get through, then Harry realizes that they can't get through so they go (Ron dragging his plastic carrier bags and cardbord box, Harry carrying his pure gold trunk) and fly the magical yellow car to Hogwarts and bash into the romping willow. It starts bashing them around and shrieks, YELLOW CAR, YELLOW CAR. after a very violent game of yellow car, the yellow car runs off to new york, where it reaches its American dream of being a cute lil minicab and Ron and Harry are left abandoned with dedpig, scrabbles (Rons retarded rejected and loserish pet rat) and there stuff, they trapced into Hogwarts, Ron looking like a rejected bag lady. rons plastic wand from toys r us broke in half and then they get told by snape. and Harry says, "why you gots to be trippin' dawg? we didn't take no flying car du! and buy sum head and shoulders grease ball hic" collapses, drunk on ten dr peppers.

In the hall Colin creevy the retarded 1st year stalks Harry for some random reason "Harry, Harry can u spit on mi shoes? Can I kiss your table? Please please please?" This makes harrys head grow even bigger and he wants to have all the lines to himself so to get Creevey outta the film he goes:

"creevy ur a gay little pervert, go and phone snapes hotline if u need help over coming ur obsessive compulsivity, its 1-800-ineedhelpandimREALLYdesparate"

That evening Fred and George throw a very loud party and every one gets drunk. The next morning, they find Prof Mc Gonagall in Seamus Finnigans bed and Neville is rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet going "there is no blue evil squirrel, there is no blue evil squirrel".

A/N: Hoped you liked that! R and R....hey Malfoy, how do you do Imperio again?


	4. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This house is not mine. This computer is not mine. Harry, Ron, Snoop Doggy Dogg and Lil Romeo are not mine (Alas). And neither is Eastenders or Jennifer Aniston. Infact I own nothing except the copyright to FattyWatchers

Chapter 4. Romeo Romeo where fort art thou ass Lil romeo? And the attack of the Ghetto crack.

The next day Ron gets a very unpleasant surprise when his mother sends...a FOWLER.

"Whats a Fowler?" asks Harry in his charmingly naive way.

Ron looks amazed. "How can you not watch BeastBenders? How can you NOT?"

"Dont you mean East Enders? " Asks Harry.

"No Dawg! Says Ron turning ghetto fabulous all of a sudden. "Beast Benders da Bomb! It shizzles my fizzle nizzle."

"Open it," says Neville urgently, oblivious to the fact that Ron had turned into Snoop Doggy Dogg's clone,

Pauline Fowler jumps out of the envelope and starts shrieking about how he brought shame upon the family name and how Mr W is facing an inquiry at work, much to the horror of Ron.

And Harry got so annoyed that he was not the center of attention that he stormed out of the hall and kicked over tiny professor flitwick on the way out.

"I make Jen Aniston's hair look matte" Professor Snape was in one of his usual moods. "Potter, your grandpa was a retard, your father was a retarded midget and youre a retarded midget with hair like Sonic the hedgehogs. Write me a 500 pg essay about the importance of hygiene."

"You need to crack yo punk ass back to the burbs white boy" Lil' Romeo cried popping out of no where and givin Ron a run for his Ghetto money, even though he was poor and couldn't even afford a bottle of rat tonic.

Ron was obviously peeved so he retaliated in his gay beggit tryin it wannabe hit man rapper/slick man black boy ghetto shit "Ya best back up fool I aint white, im orange! And I bling harder than you do homey!" shrieks Ron and goes and whacks Lil Romeo with a diamond encrusted hockey stick.

"That stick got da bling bling." Cried Romeo as Harry whipped out a doo-rag and plonked it on his abnormal,ly overlarge head

"Fool you keep pullin da diss I be havin to lay out yo dome for you be getting freagin hizzigh in da low mofo on mi homeboy Big R" he retorted doin sum kind of mad-eye style bop.

"Naw dawg I'm on da straight up."

Why you doggin me like that fool? Yelled Harry Before jumpin on lil romeo and Ron calling "Pizzle in da hizzle" and soon all three of them where rollin on the floor for no reason.

"Whats all this, what's all this?" cried draco malfoy in alarm, with his pet monkey ("Chim"Panzee Parkinson) in tow. Which after all is an insult to chimps.

"Aww dawg, that dude got the bling goin on!" says Lil Romeo to his new sidekick Tiny Ron, gesturing to Draco's strangely shiny head.

"Yeah homey! Let's gettim!" hollers Tiny Ron and they start pulling the eyeless draco malfoy's shiny hair out.

"HERE HERE" yelled Snape who, until now was oblivios to the fact that 3 wanabbe rudies where ripping eachother to pieces.

"whats dis dawg?" Lil romeo called

"Who might this young man be? Surely we do not allow new student ½ way through the term?"

"dat dawg lil' Romeo He got mad skillz du!" remarked Harry

"excuse me" greasy guy asked

"oi, greasey head shut your ugly curly thin lips aight?" yelled Harry snapping out of Ghetto mood and moving into wanabbe rude boy.

"DETENTION TONIGHT! Mr Potter, and you Weasley, and you can introduce your little romeo to professor Lockhart to!"

Suddenly a shady figure moves out of the shadows. A rotund figure wearing a ten-gallon hat, leather pants and a leather jacket. So unbling that Lil Romeo and Tiny Ron have to cover their eyes Neville has stepped out of a western.

"Howdy Doc Snape. This school aint big nuff for da both of us," says Neville "John Wayne" Longbottom and spits. "I know, I know!" says Harry-the-rude excitedly, "You can both loose weight like my cousin! Just join Fattywatchers, and then the school can fit you both in at the same time!

Lil romeo, who had just realised that he had got a detention started to get lary,

"Oh hell no! You got me straight trippin I'll give ya two shots wit da glocks in da dome. Why you doggin me like that fool? We be watchin the B Mac this izzy!"

Snape looked at him menacingly and on departing lil romeo called back sum shit like "I be bustin up in da hizzy wit my 4 to the 5 wit the sizzafety out da dow' fool!"

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! If you want the translation to the bling talk, this is the site : . And no offence was meant by this. More randomness coming your way....


	5. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: You know the drill people. And we don't own dear old Fifi Cent either.

Chapter 5. Detentions and Fifi Cent in the W house

Ron is polishing the award of someone who sounds like he might have been hermione in a past life while Harry is tortured by lockhart, and made to do a dance to a song from Grease, the song that goes, "We go together, like lalalalalala bippity boop she boop made for each other like shama lama lalalala bittity hoop de hoop CHO chang, changetty chang de chang, thats the way it should be... wahoooo yeah!" and Harry falls over at the thought of Cho Chang! He has a mini random brain freeze and gets abit high then starts singing hit me choc hang one more time at the top of his voice and lockhart watches with a pitying expression and cries him a river.

"Getting a bit high Harry, and no wonder, look at the time, weve been here over 4 hours, doen't time fly when your jumpin around like a raving lunatic and singing about your teenage crush when you have absolutely no chance with her whatsoever!?" Harry skipped down the corridor gleefully, still thinking of Cho Chang but was disturbed when he heard a voice that isnt girly like lockharts but is still girly to the tune of fifi cents In the club in portuguese. "Vá Harry, seu meu deathday, eram gonna é misrable, cias seu meu deathday, eram cias de sopa de larva de inseto de bebida de gonna seu meu deathday, e você sabem que nós vestiu dá um represado que seu meu deathday!" And nearly headless nick glides along wearing nothing but transparent bling.

"There you are Harry, we have been looking everywhere for you" Cried a bushy haried dudette who goes bye the name of Hermione but Harry preffered to call her "bushelhead" "Yeah, everywhere," said Ron, who minutes before had been trying to look down Hermione's front, and then having the nerve to say he was looking for Harry.

"Oi bushelhead you hear that ryddum? That one by fifi cents"

No Harry i think the closed office must have affected the oxygen to your brain, said Dr Hermione Granger B.M.K.A. (Bloody Medical Know-it All).

But the trio where stopped dead in their tracks bye the over mingin sight of..............dun dun duuuun

Audience : "Aagh....?".........................

A/N: EEK! A cliffhanger! Cliffhangers are fun! Read on or suffer my wrath! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!


	6. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: We don't own Lara Croft. Or Peter Andre. Not that we would particularly want to, but I'm sure some will definitely disagree. Oh well..

Chapter 6. Enemies of the Ghetto Beware and dean Thomas is very buff indeed!

..................This big fat ugly retarded donkey who belonged to Filch the crusty old caretaker who banned everything, she was hanging by her udder on the wall outside a out of order bog. Oh yeah and there was a puddle of pee on the floor and Hermione tripped over, grabbing onto Ronalds pants to show his to-small maroon boxers to the gathering slytherins cluttering the coridoors! and then filch hops out of the shadows "A-ha! Caught red handed!" (if u ask me hes been watching The Practice too much) Ron in his typically stupid fashion (cos he cant afford brains) says, "but our hands are pink!" hermione then promptly suggests that he pleads insanity. On the wall, written in coffee read "the chamber of do-rags has been opened, enemies of the Ghettos, beware" Draco wasted no time by calling out "enemies of the ghettos beware, you'll be next, neeks" and shooting a glance at Hermione, who immediately turned into Lara Croft, pulled out a machine gun out of her afro and shot draco malfoy in the bollocks. "ha ha you got served" cried Harry after legging it back to the common room. Now there is a quidditch match and they are boring to write about but cut a long story short the bludger stalks Harry and Harry practically molestes the snitch, Draco falls smack on his face and is now teethless to. Oh yeah and Harry broke his arm, Peter Andre I mean Gilderoy Lockhart made his arm go all mingin an squidgey cos he was retarded and Harry had to go to the hospital wing. Dean Thomas was being Buff as per usuall. Colid creevey was patroopertized by the evil squirrel that was haunting the school....

A/N : Personally, I can't see why everyone is going to think Draco is the Ghetto of Do-Rags. His hair is so crispy, it makes Mc Donald's fries look soggy. Oh and remember, this is the second book, when Malfoy's head still supplied most of the income of the gel-factories in Britain, and he didn't look like Aaron Carter.


	7. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda. We don't own LOTR either. If we did, why would we be here?

Chapter 7, Dobby the Bungalow elf strikes again

**At the hosptital wing**

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and if by my life or death I can protect you, I-"

"Um, Aragorn, son of Arathorn?"

"Yes, Frodo?"

"I is not Frodo, sir, I is Dobby the bungalow Elf. Dobby is thinking you is in the wrong book, sir."

"Damn it. All you midgets look alike."

"Dobby is sorry, sir."

"No, no. My apologies. I better get back to Middle Earth before someone gets the Ring...is that Legolas???"

A handsome Elven archer runs by, screaming. Every female at Hogwarts was chasing after him, including Professor McGonagall. They all wanted him to sign their underwear (tartan in Mc Gonagall's case).

Aragorn sighs. "This always happens. I swear, I can't take that guy anywhere."

"And I swear your'e that skanky bald dude from lord of the rings! Infact, isn't it funny how everything in this damn Harry Potter shit is so similar to Lord of the rings? Like that bungalow fingy, yea you (points at dobby) and whats up with that name J K rowling? Has any one ever noticed how random that name is but it sounds so like the greatest author of Lord of the Rings JR toilken? And the movies...ugh! O well at least the actors of Harry Potter are BUFF!" moaned Harry but Dobby was very offended at being compared to Gollum that he drowned himself in the lake. Ha ha.

back to general Hogwarts

So now draco malfoy is eyeless, hairless, ballless and teethless (no snogging for him then) and Tiny Ron, Harry and bushelhead are sitting bye the fire playing exploding snap. Harry, as usual was having a hissy fit as he was the only one without a nickname. "Hmph! Im the only one without a nickname" he exclaimed

"A nickname, A descriptive name added to or replacing the actual name of a person, place, or thing. A familiar or shortened form of a proper name." Hermione chimes as she recited from the hogsfoot dictionary.

"wtf!?" exclaimes tiny Ron, "you have more nicknames than snoop dogg has diamonds"

"oh yeah, like what?" whined Harry

"boywholived, james' son, lily's eyeballs, tiny ron's sidekick"

"Hey, " said Harry crossly, "arent you MY sidekick?"

"Yeah" says tiny Ron, " but this is a fanfic. Were allowed to be ridiculous"

"You cant afford to be ridiculous," retorts Hermione.

"yeah, well erm.....yeah!!"

"oooh that served you Bushelhead!"

"come on Harry back to the story"

"oh yeah, well as I was saying, I want a new name, something cool and trendy, something that will make all the girls swoon when they hear it some thing like..........."

"Oh well look who it is, weasleby, fuzzlebutt and the boy who won't die!" malfoy came bursting into the common room.

"Hey your not in gryfindor, do one!"

"ok," cried the eyeless, hairless, ballless didn't want to be teethless malfoy

"HEAVEY! I got a new nickname!! Everyone, from now on call me "the boy who won't die"

Suddenly realizing that they had a script to stick to, the three crustkateers got back to the plot, "enimies of the ghetto beware?" whimpered tiny Ron who as usual was scared out of his orange hair he was so terrified his frekles went white. "I wonder who the ghetto could be......."

and lil romeo hopped up and said, " hey white boy! get yo punk white ass back in yo subarbs" then he left.

A/N: Keep those reviews coming in! Hope the LOTR fans liked the cameo by Aragorn. Oh and we didn't mean to offend anyone, if we did, we're sorry, because we actually like LOTR ourselves :)


	8. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: We own Harry Potter. We own the Olsen twins. We own Lil Romeo and Justin Timberlake and Blue. 

And did I mention that today is opposite day?

Chapter 8. The Doodling Club

"I wonder who this ghetto can be.............." wondered Hermione

"duh like its like sooo totally lil romeo, like how over ghetto lame can you like get?" squealed Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in sync who also popped out of the floor and talked in their annoyingly preppy American cheese voice. Hermione gags and binds the Olsen twins and sends them on a one way trip to timbuktu for insulting the blingy-ness of lil romeo, while Kreacher the bungalow elf hisses, "unnatural little freaks they are," and this time, we are inclined to agree

LATER THAT DAY: the three crustcateers where sitting randomly in the library cos Hermione elle adore le bibliotheque and Harry and Ron where dragged there bye the 790 volt magnet inside hermiones fuzzle hair. Hermione is randomly flicking through random books in the dusty crusty old library looking for a spell to frame lil Romeo, aka lil blingio. Then she finds one "ahah! Iv'e found one" then a cool lightbulb comes above her head and Harry flinched but as Ron was so used to bling it was natural to him. "it's going to be very very hard and take a month"

"but bushelhead, in a month all the neeky people will have copped it!"

"well soooooorie dude......"

"huh hum"

"sorry, boywhowontdie, but it's the only plan weve got!"

"fine whatever im outti fuzzlebutt" retorts Harry in a ½ rudie ½ ghetto phrase. Suddenly they spot a huge sign on the notice board that reads DOODLING CLUB, for defense using a pen and a pencil against Lord Voldything. "Yay" says hermione, "I can get extra credit, suck up to teachers and oogle lockhart at the same time! LETS SIGN UP, FELLOW BUCCANEERS!"

The first doodling club meeting took place the next day. Lockhart and Snape armed everyone with magic pencils so that everything they drew would come to life. Although the buccaneers stood closely together Snape (who hadn't taken Lockhart's advice on hair care) split them up, putting Harry with Malfoy.

Harry unfortunately was a crap artist so the lion he draw to hack out what was left of Malfoy's guts didn't look so much like a lion as a miserable sheep. Malfoy on the other hand, drew an excellent attacker.

A parcel. With fangs on.

It jumped out of Malfoy's picture, devoured Harry's sheeplion and started heading for Justin Timberlake. "Oi!" said Harry with his usual randomness, "Leave Justin Timberlake alone! I can't think of a valid reason why, but being the noble person i am, well, I'll try to save his buttocks, since he's so fond of Kylie's."

The parcel backed down and turned back into the package of paper and string it was meant to be.

"OH NO! HARRY IS A PARCELTAPE!"

"dun dun duuuuuuuuun........................."

(audience gasps)

"I am what!?!?!" cried Harry, "yknow, exept for brilliant, radiant, alive, a human, the greatest wizard of all time, the most popular guy in the school, best in the school at quidditch, cleverest, buffest, sexiest, altogether best in b........"

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE A PARCELTAPE!"

"ooooooooh!! That explaines it! NOT!"

"oh my god," says hermione the-super-neek, " you can control the nucleus of parcels and even make them eat things, that's the symbol of the slytherins! thats why their symbol is a snake wrapped round a parcel! they use their wit and cunning to get around the post office people! And the people at customs!"

"oh, well that's heavey man that's all graaaavey we are lovin Mr Timbo un-dead" So Harry, as he adored himself over much and if it wherent for Cho Chang he would have dated himself, didn't realize what this could start and being thiker than Ron, didn't realize that even if he did have any friends, he wouldn't no more.

"so, now we know about Slytherins, what about Ravenclaw, why the hell are they blue and not..........lilac?" Tiny Ron was being an idiot and suddenly Lee (bed-wetter), Duncan (perv), Simon (fish lips) and Anthony (shovel face) pop out of openings in the floor and start singing to the tune of Bubblin'.

"I think you're bout it bout it  
No man could ever doubt it  
You're looking so delicious  
Could this be the night that we uuuh.."

to which Harry says "Thank you, all my adoring fans," and Lockhart and Malfoy say exactly the same thing at the same time. And Duncan replies, "Doood, we are NOT singing bout you! We be talkin bout the hot chick at the door." And everyone turns round to see who the hot chick at the door is.......

.......and find themselves staring at Mc Gonagall. Pervy Duncan leaps off the stage and tries to suck Mc Gonagall's mouth out of her face, then she transfigures into a cat, and D finds himself licking hairballs. "Enough! Enough! I certainly won't 'uuuh' with you tonight! Get out of the castle....you....you MUGGLES!" "Geez, we aren't muggles," says Lee looking extremely offended. "If we weren't wizards, how could we have persuaded millions of people to listen to our rubbish without throwing us off the airwaves with flaming torches?"

As Blue were retarded and crap and ugly and poofy no one cared when they flew away in a poof of pink smoke.

A/N : How ironic..Blue being blue and vanishing in a puff of pink smoke. Aw well...keep on reading for more celeb poking!


	9. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: If we owned the Olsen clones or Hilary D, thousands of hormonal sex-mad teenage boys would be hammering down our doors every day, asking where we hid the bodies....so no, we don't own them.

Chapter 9 Harry the Hissy and Hilary the sissy (and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsens 3rd Cameo)

The next day Harry was in a sulk and he was crying because so people threw fake diamonds at Harry and began calling him the Ghetto of doo-rags. Ron (as he was a poor tramp) found this very great indeed so he could be as bling as Lil romeo. Later that day they went into the out of order bog where the donkey was murdered and met a dudette who was so blingin that she was see through and dead. Her name was Moaning Myrtle and they brewed the polyjuice potion in her home (the bog, almost as trampy as ron), now all it needed was the nostril hair of those fat guys that tag along behind Malfoy.

In the Library

Ernie Macvillian is making out with Hilary Daft in the library, (she's a total wimp, so she's be in hufflepuff anyway) and Harry comes along showing off his ceramic veneer teeth. "BEWARE! HE IS THE GHETTO OF DOO RAGS!" screams the freaky Ernie Macvillain and Hilary Daft starts singing "That joke was so yesterday yesterday" Harry turns into the incredible Sulk again and starts throwing a fit, "IM NOT THE GHETTO OF DOO RAGS! I SAVED JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S FLAKY ASS FROM A BLOODY DEATH AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME? AVADA KIWAWA!" Fortunately for Ernie Mcvillain, sulky Harry is so pissed off he forgets the words, and Hilary's big fat blonde head falls off and is replaced by a massive green kiwi. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop her nicking some random guy's shirt that says "Everything's bigger in texas". (which is so untrue, because then hilary's brains and vocal chords would be bigger, and she wouldn't have her shoe size as her IQ and sing like a moldy cat.)

on the other side of the world

marykate: I think I'm going gothic

ashley: punkeh

marykate: im not gonna do my nails for three days in a row, wear at least 1 item of black and...er.....wear red lipstick!

ashley: eh.....rock on!

(Authors note) Who to piss take now?  
(2nd Authors note) **so many airheads, so little time!  
(Authors note)When they where little(Points at mk and a), full house beat everything!**


	10. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

**Disclaimer: Im soo terribly glad I don't own BS, how can you have so many people in a pop group? I would like to own Busted though (especially Charlie drools) oh and we don't own Avril, Beyonce, JLo or Jamelia either. So let's get back to business.**

**Chapter 10 Blazin Pot and the polyjuice plot.**

Back to Hogwarts

Harry was happy as it was the Christmas holidays and he could get down to answering his fan mail from adoing girls begging him to date them and kiss them.

"coughnocough" was Tiny Ron's response to Harry's prediction. "Would you like a cough drop Ron darling, or are you auditioning for Umbridge?" said hermione sweetly. Then Harry heard the most jokes thing in the whole wide wizarding world, something that no self respecting wizard(as Harry very much was)would respond to, "I have absolutely spiffing news Harry"

"Have I made it into Blazin' Squad?, I knew they wouldn't resist my absolute over buffness, see you ate the CROSS ROADS cross roads CroSS RoooADS!!" Harry began to dance around shaking his very nice bum in the camera singing blaxzin squads very crappy retarded songs.

"errr...............NAO" sighed Tiny Ron Patting Harrys back so that he crumpled beneath him.

"Well, erm.......I wasn't expecting my letter until next month anyways..........."

"Didn't you say that in September?" retorted Tiny Ron

but Harry could not reply as Hermione the killjoy interrupted

"No, Harry Malfoy and those dumbass nobheads are staying at Hogwarts over the holidays, we can use the polyjuice potion on them!"

"Why is that go......" Harry was punched in the ribs as Malfoy And the overly fat retards behind him came up to him. "I don't like you" said Malfoy bluntly "What u gonna do bout it?" Harry, Hermione and Ron stared at him , giving him the evils. "ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! MOMMMMMMY!" cried Malfoy as an ambush of flying marshmallows and jaffa cakes attacked his rear and Ron attacked him with his pimp stick! But then even though there where yellow, fluffy marshmallows magically flying everywhere and everyone else in the coridoor had started whacking eachother in the arms with there DT folders crying "yellow car" Crabbe and Goyle ate them. Then Busted fall through the roof holding rock guitars and start bashing everone with it. Then Matt says, "Holy crap, we aren't Avril bloody Lavigne! Why are we destroying three perfectly good guitars?" Charlie shrugs, and says poshly, "Of course, my dear fellow, we have all the currency in the universe, thanks to the adoring fans brainwashed by our subliminal messages. Why shouldn't we annihilate three guitars?" "Good enough for me mate," says James, and continues bashing Ron's pimp stick.

Then Ron whams Crabbe and Goyal proper hard over their big fat heads and they fall unconciess but no one cares ha ha. Then, after pulluing out 2 of their nose haires each they join Hermione in moaning myrtles out of oreder bog. Then randomly, as hes a dumb idiot Tiny Ron says "Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?" And Hermione's answer was "Because you are a pig fat pig who ate their pet rock in 1st year because you overslept and missed breakfast!"  
"oh, right"

"Excuse me!! I need some attention when I am about to eat I mean drink this skankified errmm......ermmmm life threatening slop!" So everyone, once again, was forced to turn their attentions to Harry. Harry had a spasm when he drank the goop and so did ron. Ha ha.

In ten seconds flat, Harry went from being a sex symbol to all the frumpy people out there to this gorilla thingy with hairy palms. And Ron looked pretty much the same. "Wow, hairy..er harry, youre....hairy!?" said Ron. And he stared at himself at the mirror. "Eek! Ive got muscles!"

Hermione was inside the girls bog and wouldn't come out. "Im not coming out" Harry was cool with that and said "I'm cool with that" but Tiny Ron was annoyed because he was dumb and didn't realize that Hermione was a hairy (er than usual) sheep "why you doggin us like dat fool?" "Haven't you read the script RONALD!? this is the part where i turn into a hairy sheep!" "oh" was Tiny Rons reply. "now get lost your wasting time dudes!" said Hermione and the Mary-Kate and Ashley woosy Duo (Lairy Bait and Bashley)

ran downstaires to the Slytherin Common room. "Oi dudette, wheres the slytherin common room?" called Harry(looking like goyal, a toilet brush) "I am a ravenclaw now get lost i am busy"

Just then Beyonce started bouncing on the trampoline in the middle of the corridor(yes there is one just read the books cough) Singing "Tonight ill be ur naughty girl tonoght im calling all ma girls, see you look me up and doooown!!" To a crowd of adoring fans including Puff Face Pansy Dorkinson and her "crew" named PMS. Then Harry and Tiny Ron sneaked past Beyonce, who was now joined by Jamelia and Jlo. "We sneaked in" giggled Tiny Ron "We sneaked in". Walking down the desterted Corridoor, Tiny Ron spotted his older brother, who was nicknamed by snoop dog himself as Big P, but Harry prefered to call him "Bush Rat" or "angry Kid" like off those videos u get on cell fones.

"What are you doing down here?" Asked Percy, "Youre those fat guys who tags along behind that Malfoy git aren't you? I am required to report your late-night wondering to Bulbus Rumblebore, what are your names again?" Said second-to-Hermione-super-neek.

"Crabbe, Goyal, where have you too been? Pigging out in the great hall all this time, you big fat retarded pieces of shi...arg, if it isn't weasleby number 3, what gives YOU the right to be here? You cant afford to wonder MY territory, fuzzle head. And Goyal, why the fuzzling heck are you wearing Glasses? Especially the harry potter brand from Dolland and Achinson, you know what? Potter just should have gone to specksavers!" "Err erm r..reading" "Reading!? I didn't know you could read" Harry and Tiny Ron followed Draco to the Slytherin common room that was bright pink and yellow. Harry, Ron and Draco had some extremely boring talk and Draco, as once again, he is so rich, finds a tiny green package on the floor and pockets it.

and hermione the giant shaggy sheep said eagerly, "WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT? WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?" "Draco Malfoy has awful dandruff and the Slytherins are obsessed with colour coordination. Oh and Malfoy isnt the Ghetto of Slytherin'

"Oh poo, back to square 1!" baaaaed Hermione. "Watch your language, woolly bum," said Harry looking disgruntled that nobody had stopped to ask for his autograph for one whole hour, and was now shrinking back to his own buff self.

A/N: This chapter was soo much fun to write, it's one of my favourites! And the next is well funny! Keep the reviews winging it here! You guys are great!


	11. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer : We don't own Harry P or any other mingers ahem celebs. 

Chapter 11. Harry Potter's increasingly growing, abnormally larger than Snape's nose Head and the Won Ton soup.

Suddenly they saw Draco Malfoy looking furious and holding something that looked suspiciously like a DVD. "Whatcha got there Malfoy?" said Hermione (a.k.a Baa-baa) tartly. Malfoy's blue eyes went as round as galleons and he got so pale, he became transparent. "Sheep....talking sheep...in the hall...where's Snape when you need him...?" he mumbled, and fainted. "Jeez what a wimp," bleated Hermione as Ron and Harry scurried over to see what the thing in his hand was.

It was a round shiny disc and on it were emblazoned the words, "HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS." Hermione did an excited little jig. "Ron, cart me up to Madam Frompey, this wool is murder on my skin. Harry, go nick rumblebore's DVD player...maybe this is the secret to who the Ghetto of Doorags is!!" "Yes, your neekiness," said Harry and Ron and went off to do Hermione's bidding.

Madam Frompey removed all Hermione's hair except the fro on her head immediately (yay! free depilatory service!) and then Hermione noticed something. At the very end of the ward, lying on four separate beds, Colin Creevey, Hilary Daft, Jamelia and Justin Timberlake were all mummified in...you guessed it....

Doo-rags.

"Oh nooooooo!" wailed Hermione sadly. "The Ghetto of Slytherin is at it again."

"Yes," said Madam Frompey miserably. "And I can't watch Justin Timberlake grind around on my screen until the bloody Bamshakes are ready." "Oh well, said Hermione optimistically, "There's a bright side to everything."

In the Gryffindor common room, Ron, Fred, George, Seamus and Dean were laughing their arses off at the movie playing on Dumbledore's DVD while Harry pounced around singing shrilly,

"SOMEONE MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MY LIFE! SOMEBODY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MY LIFE!"

"Oooh!" said Hermione excitedly as she watched Daniel Radcliffe onscreen, "That dude is sooo buff!"

"Not as buff as I am!" said Harry bouncing around angrily like the lunatic he was, angry that nobody was paying attention to him.

After about 2 1/2 hours, everyone in Gryffindor house was glued to the screen. Fred and George were still cackling like loons and chucking popcorn at the screen, Hermione, Lavender, Parvati and Ginny were drooling at Daniel Radcliffe and Ron was replaying the same line over and over.

"Gimme my wand, Tom"

"Gimme my wan Tom"

"Gimme my won Tom"

"Gimme my won ton"

"Gimme my won ton"

"Gimme my won ton"

"OK, OK we get the message! Get back to the hot dudes!" shrieked Lavender. But Hermione's face was shining brightly..."Oh my...I think I understand.....oh yes....it all adds together," she said in a low excited mutter, running her fingers through her afro so that it stood up like the empire state building.

"I KNOW WHAT THE SECRET OF THE GHETTO IS!!!" shrieked Hermione excitedly. "The entrance is from Big Wong's chinese takeaway in Little Hogsmeade!

"Yo I be bouncing in da hizzy dis izzy" cried Tiny Ron in a small voice

"Wow! Me and Cho went there on our 1st date!"

"Did you and Cho even HAVE a first date?" asked Fred

"Fred and I know every single secret passage in Hogsmede and there isn't 1 leading anywhere near Big Wong's, we are personal aquattances of big Wong himself, like bling bling!"

"your dumb Hermione" and Hermoine went to throw herself off a cliff. Ha ha.

A/N: Thank you for everyone who reviewed! Also, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my cousin Karen who was the inspiration for Ron's manic replays. Hugs and Kissies!


	12. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: Shona the Loner is purely fictuous. Any real people resembling her are either so mean that they deserve to be poked or purely coincidental. Oh and E-bay isn't mine. Neither is Harry Potter. Shucks

Chapter 12. Shona the Loner and the return of the evil fluffy pink diary.

Once again the three crustcateers where back to square 1 so Harry and Tiny Ron went to Myrtles bog to visit her as they felt sorry for the little larry loner. But there was another Ghost there, the daughter of Peeves, her name was Shona, she was a loner. Shona the Loner. She had a mean, scowling face and looked even more miserable than Myrtle. But the strangest thing about her was her hair. It was curly, transparent and....ORANGE.

"Oi! You've nicked my barnet!" said the idiotic Tiny Ron, massaging his scalp to see if it was still there. Shona surveyed them coolly and then cackled. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! You're pansies, you are! Nobody but girls come here, so you must be girls! Unless you've come to flirt with Myrtle! Poor ugly, sulking, spotty, boring old Myrt- OWWW you cow!" shrieked Shona as Myrtle grabbed her by her orange hair and pushed her down the plughole. "Hello Harry, Ron," said Myrtle politely, who was reading a book called "The Lonely Planet Guide to the Afterlife". Harry noticed that she was sniffling a bit and her eyes were a bit red. "'Sup shorty," said Ron, and attempted to do a complicated handshake with Myrtle, but his hand went right through her. "THOUGHTLESS! ABSOLUTELY THOUGHTLESS," bawled Myrtle. "First some idiot chucks a diary with teddy bears on it through my head, and now you try to SHAKE MY HAAAAND!!!!" She vanished down the U-bend and Harry and Ron read the back of her t-shirt which read, "Death Sucks".

Harry's head was big and fat as he new that moaning myrtle fancied him. His head was sooo fat that it weighed him down and it banged against the floor. Ha ha. It landed right in a pile of slosh next to a pink, forever friends diary. Ron picked it up as he was a retard and was poor. He thought he could flog it on ebay for about 2 sickles. Harry stuffed it in his bag and ran away.

A/N: This was funny! I liked it anyway, but losts of people have said my sense of humour sucks. Anyway, read on to find out more......


	13. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: If we owned Britney Spears, the world would be a muuch happier place. But unfortunately we don't, so there are still wars, famine, poverty, awful pop songs and slutty clothes.

If we owned Barney, we would change his demented themesong. But unfortunately we don't so "I wuv u, u wuv me" gets stuck in my head everytime I stumble on it on channel 4.

If we owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would be dead, and everyone would be obsessed with their love life. But fortunately for the discerning reader...we don't.

Chapter 13. Harry the Retard and the big bazookered Valentine.

Harry was a retard. Harry had lots of valantines. It was valantines day. There where truck loads of random little creachers who stalked people to deliver their valantines cards. Harry got none. Harry cried. Harry was a retarded rejected idiot with no friends. Harry was buff. Harry cheered up and decided he was to buff and all the girls who fancied him got stunned before sending him a card. Harry then got a card, infact he got 7. from Lavander, Hermione(who felt soz for the lairy), Parvati, Padma, Pansy D, Professor sprout (eww PERV) and 1 more Harry threw a hissy fit baby tantrum when he read "JKZ" on the bottom of them all. Ha ha. A tiny fat ugly retard troll named Jordan came along. "this is insania!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she cried at Harry, who was about to receive his last of the 7 valentine cards. As Harry was a wimpy retard he got upset and refused to open it. Jordan didn't care. "OI! I quit my bloody day job at the sun to give you this valentine and all you do is run away, find then retard piss off but don't come crying to me when you're in bed alone tonight. FRIGID RETARD!" **And Jordan stalked off, holding her head high (which did not have much of an effect since she was only 3ft tall) and paving through the students using her front as a battering ram. ** Just then Harry hears a piercing scream and ducks his head for cover. "ARG!!" cried Harry as he fell to the floor infront of his 1 true love Cho Chang. Sudennly Harry heared a loud riiiiiiipping noise and the whole corridor turned, staring at his arse. In came a overly girly garish sickly sweet voice of Britney Spears. "Oh look at that, just with my voice". Everyone ran away. Ha ha. Harry had another Hissy fit because his bag split in half causing his new, bright pink sparkly ink bottle to smash and spill everywhere but Tiny Ron cried even more when he remembered his Pink forever friends diary was in Harry's bag.

"Harry you knobhead! My pink forever friend's diary and only way of allowing my family to pay off their paypal credit limit reach is damaged!!** said Tiny Ron severely. He held up the Diary. "Oh yay! It hasn't been ruined! But what were you doing with pink ink in the first place harry?"**

"**uh...oh....Sodomy!"**

"**HUH!?!?" Cried the whole coridoor together. Harry grabbed the diary back off Ron the ginger mango. "Ron, youre a ginger Mango!" cried Harry.**

**But Ron's train of thought was interrupted by the lovely (NOT) britney spears who sat on Harry and said, "Oh mi god Harry! I so like have this so so cute singing valentine to give you! Listen...." "I lurv you, you lurv me, we tied Barney to a tree, we stole a gun and shot him in the head, sorry kids but Barney's dead!" Isn't that the cutest? It's from Draco Malfoy by the way? Do you know him? He could do with some plastic surgery himself"**

**Ginny Weasley appeared out of nowhere smirking and said to Malfoy, "I think Harry didn't like your singing valentine very much!" while Malfoy buried his face in his hands and ran off. **"Malfoy finally came out of the closet then!" Blinged Tiny Ron as Harry stalked off merrily to the common room to play with the new magical diary"


	14. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: Scooby Dooby Doo and all of its marvellous plots is not mine. And neither is the wonderful territory of JK Rowling's mind.

Chapter 14: That 70's Flashback

After the serious damage that Britney Spears had inflicted on his eardrums, Harry decided to invest in a pair of earplugs. He stuck them on and began doodling on his diary with his pink pen. "My name is Harry Potter and I am the coolest, most brilliant, buffest, hottest..." he started writing when he noticed that the words were vanishing. "WTF! I was going to write my MEMOIRS!" he said aloud when in spiky purple ink appeared the words. "Hi Harry. My name is Tom Felton and I rival your buffness greatly. Do you want to know what happened in the Chamber of Secrets?" "Sod-omy that!" scribbled Harry, dotting his i's with tiny hearts, "How do you get your hair so flat?" "I will show you," said Tom Felton's spiky writing, and a tiny window opened. Harry put his eye to it, and was sucked in by an invisible vortex.

He found himself in the Great Hall with a bunch of people who had afros to rival Hermione's, flowery shirts and platform shoes. Rumblebore's hair was huge, and he was doing the funky chicken. McGonagall had long blonde hair down to her waist and wore nothing but a daisy chain. Flitwick was shorter than Jordan and he had a joint of weed in his hand. Harry took his earplugs off and could hear something that sounded suspiciously like "Love Me Do," by the Beatles.

Harry Potter had found himself in the 70's.

Then suddenly, a tall blond boy with grey eyes strode into the hall. Everyone eyed him in distaste, possibly because he had the flattest hair in the hall. "Professor. PROFESSOR!" he shrieked in a flemmy voice. Everyone stopped and stared. "Yes, Mr Felton?" said Rumblebore pleasantly, still flapping his wings, er, arms.

"I know who the ghetto of doo-rags is!" wailed Tom Felton, waving his arms around like a windmill. "I know who's been mummifying the muggleborns in doo-rags!" The hall froze and everyone stared at the cement-headed boy. "Come, I'll show you!"

Felton led them down a long winding corridor. Everywhere Harry looked, peace signs were emblazoned on the walls, big colourful flowers decorated the halls, and Peeves was wearing a bright pink silk shirt and flares. Tom stopped and strode into a huge room, in which an even huger boy in orange sat with an enormous disco coloured spider. "AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!" shrieked the congregation of people following Tom. " It was Rubeus!" shrieked nearly-naked Mc Gonagall and fainted. Then the cast of scooby doo showed up. "Aha!" said Fred, "It wasn't Hagrid!" He pulled off the mask concealing Hagrid's face. "It was....Boy George!" Daphne shook her head. "Nuh-uh! It was...Bob Dylan!" Daphne pulled off another mask and revealed Bob's dreadlocked head. Velma jumped out of the Mystery Machine. "It wasn't ! It was...Cliff Richard!" Shaggy drawled, "Nao, it wasn't him. It was HAGRID!" And Hagrid's face popped up again out of Cliff Richard's smiley face.

Harry found himself back in the dormitory with a jolt. Hermione and Tiny Ron were staring at him. "Harry! You looked like an ostrich with your head stuck in that diary! What happened?"

"It was Hagrid disguised as Hagrid disguised as Boy George disguised as Bob Dylan disguises as Cliff Richard. Hagrid disguised as Hagrid disguised as Boy George disguised as Bob Dylan disguises as Cliff Richard opened the Ghetto of Do-Rags in the seventies."

"Dooooooooooooooode!" Exclaimed Tiny Ron before he was pushed into the fire by Hermione.

A/N: Dood how random was that! Hope you liked all the cameos! And thanks to KagomeHater for reviewing, love you loads!


	15. Harry Potter and the chamber of DooRags ...

Disclaimer: We don't own Quizilla, Jim Branning (god knows who'd want to), Spongebob or Harry Potter. We own Harry Toomanyscreennames.

Chapter 15

Later that day Tiny Ron, Bushelhead and Harry where walking outside. "Oi Mudblood, you smell. ha ha!" Hermione had it up to the very tip of her afro with Malfoys rude comments. "BANG" ha ha. Malfoy was lying there motionless now Hairless, Teethless, Ballless, eyeless and earless as Hermione shot him with a slingshot. Ha ha. Bet all you Draco swooners are sad bout that!! Harry is so much better!! "Hey, you wernt supposed to hit him untill the third movie!! Go read the books again boffin!!" roared the friendless Goyal (crabbe had got lost in a quizilla story again) "Go and shag a sheep as you couldn't read in the first place!" Retortet Ron, and as there was no Malfoy and Goyal remebered Hermione had a sheep friend he did as he was told. Once again the three crustcateers were left alone. "How am I gonna find out if Hagrid really did open the chamber of secrets? So I can save the day again?" "Lets just go and ask him!" Suggested Herboffiny, but for the second time in this fanfic, no one agreed with her sheepiness. "Oh, yeah greeeeat!! Hagrid, have you been setting any random, unretarded fuzz balls around the castle lately?" Tiny Ron exclaimed. "Mad n airy, you wouldn' be ta'in 'bout me woul' yeh?" H H and TR turned to face a giant Hagrid, holding a dead pelican in one hand and a Green watering can in the other.

"What the are yeh doin ere you idiots?! Pixie boy an' the Candy Flavoured Minister are comin' any momen' now!" He grabbed the boffin, the bling wannabe, and the boy who wouldn't die and shoved them head first into a barrel full of pickled eels.

A minute or so after Herboffiny had fainted with the stench of the eels, they heard shoes shuffling and heard a high voice. "Hello Hagrid. Do you like pineapples? And Spongebob? How about water parks? And by the way, me and the lads think you're the loony ghetto of do-rags, so off you go to Apple Flan...er I mean Azkaban!" From what Harry could see through a hole in the barrel, Lucius Malfoy was talking, and pink (PINK!) ballet shoes (BALLET SHOES!) poking out from under his robes. Suddenly a tiny man entered Hagrid's hut. He was dressed in hilighter pink and spoke cockney better than Jim Branning. "Wotcha Agrid! Blimey! I' is wiv deepest symparfy what I infawm yew what yew must _Scapa Flow_ ter Azkaban, since everyone thinks what yew are da Ghe'o ov Do-Rags. Nuff said, yeah? Oh and lor' luv a duck! Rumblebore, yer fired! Know what I mean?" Hagrid shouted very randomly, "If anyone wants ter know sumfink, just follow the disco coloured spiders!" Rumbledore said very calmly, "Ah well, life is life. I'm sure wonderboy will find a way to get rid of Voldy- o.O i mean the ghetto of doo-rags using nothing but my old hat and my fiery chicken with magic tears."

They left the hut.

Tiny Ron faced Herbrain and Harry Toomanyscreenames (well as possible as it is to face some one in an eel barrel) and said glumly. "We're screwed."

A/N: Hahahaha! This is dedicated to all the fangirls out there whose hobby it is to analyse how Draco Malfoy got to be such a slimy little toerag! You guys are so sweet! Now you know how it happened - Draco was forced one to many times to sit through The Nutcracker! Pls R and R thankies!!!


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